As a kid, I often used to have thoughts like why are my parents strict? Why are they so harsh on me? We all have wondered at some point which style of parenting is best for the kids. I have always grappled with the thoughts of whether to be a strict parent or just relax and be lenient. Here we will find out all about strict parenting, and the effects of strict parenting on a child’s development. If you are a kid then know all about how to deal with strict parents.
Table of Contents
Types of Parenting
Diane Baumrind in 1960 created a categorization of parenting styles –
Authoritarian
These parents make the rules that the children are expected to follow. Such parents place high demands on children while remaining distant from their kids.
Authoritative
Studies have found that this is the best parenting style. These parents place limitations on their children at the same time are very supportive and show interest in their kids’ activities without being controlling and overbearing and allowing the kids to make constructive mistakes.
Permissive
As the name suggests such parents struggle to put limitations on their kids. Such parents always have expectations from their children that are below what could be expected from them.
Uninvolved
Children of such parents receive very little to no guidance, nurturing, and parental attention. These parents are disengaged from their children. They do not make any demands from their children and are non-responsive.
Who are strict parents?
They are not some aliens from Mars that landed on Earth a few years ago just to torment you. According to psychology, strict parents are the ones who place very high standards and demands on their kids.
Why are parents strict?
In my childhood, I used to think why don’t these guys live and let me live why nag at everything I do? Later in life, I realized that my strict parents tend to have very high standards and expectations of me. Kids in such households feel suffocated and keep wondering how to deal with strict parents. Parents believe in teaching their children by stick rather than the carrot. They are controlling because they have this fear of being seen as an incompetent parent if their kids make even a single mistake. So they give more importance to their insecurities and their feelings rather than their child’s well-being.
How to deal with strict parents who justify overly strict parenting styles by giving the following excuses
- “I don’t want my kid to walk all over me”
- “We believe well-behaved kids are the best”
- “How do you expect me to tolerate unruly children”
- “A child needs a parent, not a friend”
- “I don’t want my kids to suffer in later life”
Are strict parents good?
Everything has certain advantages and disadvantages to it likewise strict parenting does teach certain things.
- As a kid, I learned to budget my expenses early on in life. It was difficult asking for pocket money every week so I learned how to utilize my monthly pocket money for the important stuff. This has helped me a lot now that I am an adult.
- I learned not to be overly sensitive about criticism from my parents. It helped later on in my life I was able to breeze through some tough criticisms where most of my peers struggled.
Effects of Strict Parenting
Kids never learn how to take responsibility and self-regulation
When parents put harsh limits on kids and control their every move they don’t learn how to take responsibility and never regulate their behavior because they think their parents are there to keep a check on them. Being controlled is not fun for anyone.
Strict parenting instills fear in children
If parents have an authoritarian style where they place high demands without being empathetic at all. This will cause children to fear them. Such kids will always be scared of their parents and their presence alone will instill a sense of discomfort and fear in them. Yelling at them will cause them to yell at their parents. They will learn that shouting at children is the correct way and will, later on, treat their kids in the same way thus creating a chain that is difficult to break but can be broken if made an effort.
Anger and depression
The strict parent’s effect is such that the children start believing that a part of them is unacceptable and wrong. They start thinking that the parents don’t understand or care about what they think. This leads to a build-up of anger management and depression in them. Studies have shown that kids raised in such a strict household tend to show much more depressive symptoms. They are much more prone to suicidal attempts and ideation.
Might is the right concept
Authoritarian parenting makes children think that blindly submitting to authority is the right thing to do. They have this idea that power is always right. They start following the ones in power without thinking or questioning them. Such children do not take responsibility for their actions.
Rebellious
The children of strict parenting households tend to become rebellious. They are angrier than their peers. Such severe rules make them want to break free and they do not want to hold to such insensitive and almost cruel limits. Such children often have thoughts of running away from home and thus act out which may cause parenting problems.
Excellent Liars
Strictness in rules makes children learn to lie a lot whenever in trouble. They use lies to pacify their parents.
Tension in Parent-child relationship
Strictness and authoritarian ways will damage parents’ relationship with their children. They will stop confiding and sharing their life with their parent. They will start feeling that their parents don’t understand their problems and that their parents are not empathetic enough toward them. It will develop into a rift and the child will never be able to get over this rift.
Signs that you are growing up with strict parents
They focus only on the results, not your efforts
Strict parents don’t praise their child’s efforts instead they only look at perfection. You will start feeling that they only shower you with love when you score a perfect score. This develops a feeling that love is a conditional thing. More the success more will you get love.
They threaten you
Parents shouldn’t intimidate their children. They shouldn’t make terrorizing outrageous statements directed towards you kids. They shouldn’t make threats that they can’t follow through. Their aim should be to discipline you and not to punish you.
They believe learning is the only thing
Are they strict with their studies? Do they just talk to you about academics and not about how you are doing in general? If you are facing any difficulties at school or Are you happy? Such parents turn fun learning activities into tedious obligatory work. For example, they shouldn’t lecture their kids after taking them out on a picnic to recite all the names of trees or flowers they saw. If they are coloring a rainbow then let the kid color whichever color he/she wants without having to recite all the colors present in a rainbow. Let the child be imaginative and creative. Parents shouldn’t confine them to their brand of rules and structures.
They can’t take the lack of discipline
Everyone has different rules and different ways of disciplining a child. They should learn to tolerate that other people may have their ways of dealing with a child. Studies have shown that kids show great development when they experience different ways of living with different sets of rules.
They have zero tolerance for silly things
Kids love to prank and joke around a lot. They love to play silly games. They should learn to enjoy their kid’s funny activities. It not only shows kids that parents care for them but is also a great stress buster for the parent.
You are more restricted than other people’s children
Are you not allowed to hang out with your friends? Is watching T.V. even for an hour a luxury, you are not allowed? Do they place more harsh rules on you than other people do? It’s okay to have a different set of rules than other parents but your parents shouldn’t be the strictest of them all.
Are they inflexible regarding rules?
Are they the kind of parent that has made the rule that their kid has to cycle every day to his/her school and they don’t bend this rule even if you are sick? You should have rules but your parents should also know when to make an exception to that rules. If you are ill, they shouldn’t insist that you cycle to school because it’s a rule instead they should try dropping you off at school that day.
The parents force you to do things in their own ways
Do you always feel that your parents don’t accept your style of doing things and always believe that their way is the right way? Yes all of us need instructions about things we don’t know from time to time but that doesn’t mean that you are not allowed to have a choice and space for creativity.
Your parents don’t give you choices
Instead of asking you “Would pick up your shoes or would you clean your room?” they just order you to clean your stuff up. It is very important to be able to make certain choices from childhood as it makes kids able to make important decisions and take responsibilities in later life.
Your parents don’t allow you to make mistakes
Some parents don’t allow kids to make mistakes. As learning by doing is important it is also very important that you learn from their mistakes as well. You should learn to face the consequences of your mistakes.
They don’t have time to have fun with you
Do your parents allow you some time and space for fun? Do they make time in their schedule to have fun with you? As a kid, you must have some time in between your activity classes to chill and have fun.
A long list of rules for you
Rules that parents make for their kids should be the important ones not everything needs to be monitored or controlled.
Nagging Parents
Parents need not nag their kids all the time over little things like “don’t slouch” or “don’t laugh loudly”. When nagging about every single thing you start ignoring or tuning out everything your parents say. Parents should save the instructions for the most important things so that you can listen.
How to deal with strict parents?
Every kid wants to enjoy, be happy, and be stress-free. That’s how an ideal childhood should be but we don’t live in a perfect world.
Know how to deal with strict parents in the following ways
Attitude matters a lot
Always have a positive attitude in life and learn how to deal with strict parents in a positive manner. I know this is advice that you get all the time but believe me, this works. Without your permission, no one can make you feel negative about yourself. Negative thoughts cloud you only when you allow those harsh criticisms and coldness to overwhelm you.
Embrace yourself and realize that your parents can also be flawed
Your parents aren’t a god. They are not the epitome of perfection. They can also be sometimes wrong. Realize this and you will then be able to deal with their overpraise and underpraise. This also means you should learn to accept and be kind to yourself if they aren’t. You should pat yourself on your achievements even if your parents don’t.
Don’t try to change them
I have loads of experience trying to change the behavior of my folks. Trust me on this sometimes they don’t want to change and sometimes due to age it gets difficult to change their ways. So in such a case don’t wonder all the time how to deal with strict parents because all you can do is change yourself accordingly and try not to take their cruel statements to your heart.
Believe in yourself even if your parents don’t
If your parent thinks you are more suited for government jobs even when your dream is to do a management course or you have a brilliant idea for a business. Don’t lose hope and stop believing in yourself. The thing is dreams are never crazy. Every dream that seemed like an impossible thing once is now a reality.
Have patience
You are not an adult right now but you will become one in the future. You just have to wait after a few years, your time will also come. At that point, you can slowly break the chains of manipulation and control that are limiting your growth and potential.
Therapy is not a bad thing
Not only the body but the mind also needs healing. For that, we have skilled professionals like counselors and psychiatrists. You may have had a passive-aggressive manipulative father or an arrogant non-responsive father. Some of you may have faced anger issues from such fathers. Your life can change for the better if you reach out to a good therapist.
Don’t idolize or vilify parents
As a kid, we all tend to think the best or worst about someone what we don’t understand is we live in a world of grey. Don’t look for what you want to see but also appreciate and understand the good in your parents.
So how should your parents be?
Many studies have shown that the “Authoritative” parenting style is the best approach for dealing with kids. I know this does sound like “Authoritarian” but it is quite different from it. In the Authoritative style of parenting the parents set certain limits but with empathy. Children flourish best when there are limits present along with warmth and support. This combination raises amazing kids and makes for the best parenting.
Conclusion on how to deal with strict parents?
Strict parents can be challenging, but it works when you maintain respect and open communication while trying to improve your relationship with them. You can show them that you are a responsible individual by finding common ground so that you can work on building a positive relationship with them. It’s important to understand that changes always take lots of time and energy, and with the right amount of understanding ad persistence, you can overcome the generation gap.
Disclaimer
The content of this article “How to deal with Strict Parents” has been developed by third-party medical content writers and/or experts. The information mentioned in the article is only for educational purposes and therefore it is requested to consult a doctor/ physician before diagnosing and deciding on the treatment plan.
Healthoplane, its Licensors nor any third-party content providers not guarantee the accuracy, completeness, or usefulness of any content. Furthermore, neither Healthoplane nor its Licensors endorse or are responsible for the accuracy and reliability of any opinion, advice, or statement made on this article or any of the Sites or Services. We take no responsibility for your exposure to third-party content on the Sites or the Services. Healthoplane and its Licensors do not assume, and expressly disclaim, any obligation to obtain and include any information other than that provided to it by its third-party sources. It should be understood that we do not advocate the use of any product or procedure described in the Sites or through the Services, nor are we responsible for misuse of a product or procedure due to typographical error.
Consent
By using our website, you hereby consent to our disclaimer and agree to its terms.
Dr Amit Sharma is a Doctor and writer with a particular interest in mental health. He helps individuals by combining practical advice with emotional support.