You like to pretend that you had a carefree and loving childhood. You want to deny that there was nothing wrong at home and you have a normal healthy family, but that little voice in your head tells you otherwise. Deny all you want that there is nothing wrong at home and you have a normal healthy family but how will you stop that little voice in your head that always speaks the truth. You like to pretend that you had a loving and carefree childhood but you also know it isn’t the truth. Some children sadly grow in a toxic environment; some have to live in an unhappy and angry environment while others in squalor and underprivileged environment. Here we will discuss tips on how to deal with toxic parents.
Table of Contents
Who are toxic parents?
As a child, you will never get respect from your parents as an individual from toxic parents. Toxic parents are those who intentionally or unintentionally make their kids unhappy, angry, irritable, and afraid. The whole purpose is to make the kids take their instructions and adhere to their ideas. Toxic parents consider their kids as property that they want to control and dictate. They do not want their kids to develop a sense of self-worth and be successful. They do not think that their kids should be more successful in life than them because they are their kids and that their kids should be living in their shadows.
- Parents who don’t allow you to express your opinion or wishes.
- In the name of discipline, they are physically abusive.
- They emotionally manipulate their kids if the child wields his/her own free will and makes his/her own life’s decisions.
- These parents are unable to allow their kids to make major decisions in their life.
- Parents who force their own will on their kids.
- They constantly compare and discriminate against their children.
- Children of such parents are constantly put down and criticized for every little action they make.
- No Privacy-Mobile checking, friends invited and questioned to get information out of them about their kid.
- Expected to take care of themselves as well as their parents.
- Keeping control-Either by guilt or by manipulation toxic parents don’t allow their child to have an independent life.
- Never enough-Any sort of achievement or prizes won are treated like they were a one-time fluke and not due to his/her abilities.
- Shamed in front of others-Difficult parents openly put down their kids in front of teachers, friends, or neighbors.
- Physically punished – Physical punishments are meted out to instill fear in the child so that the parents can exert control on them throughout their life.
- Controlling adult kids – Criticizing adult kids and their parenting styles when they have done such a poor job of it.
Why does it happen?
It is very important to “why” before we think about “how to deal with toxic parents”. When a child is exposed to numerous unhealthy environments, and especially when such environment is not conducive to the physical, mental, or emotional growth of the child, they will be face situations where they have to make choice. How do I cope with this? How do I grow to become a happy and successful person? You will have to live lifelong with the results of poor parenting. The invisible scarring due to a bad relationship with parents lives within our minds. We carry the hate within us due to abusive parenting. Most children tend to cope with their toxic environment through a dangerous coping mechanism, which is a way of having some control over the problem. That is, they choose a coping mechanism that leads to dissociation. Dissociation is a defense mechanism and is not conscious.
Who are the perpetrators?
Parents who harbor violent anger or hate against their children are the perpetrators. These children are consciously unconsciously encouraged to hate and be angry and abusive. Bullies are great examples. We have many cases of rebellious children who got abused in the name of discipline. Their parents made them do terrible deeds because they wanted to live up to their dad’s or mum’s expectation of what their children should become. Such parents treat their children as slaves. The triggers are different from one person to the other. They might have high standards and think it is very hard to give anything less than the best.
Signs of toxic parenting
If your parents were never happy always angry and frustrated, such parents will be passing weird beliefs or rules. For example like the only thing that mattered in life was money or if you were told that you are worthless. They will never have respect for you at all, whatever may be the situation. People have to get sessions from psychologists and counselors because as a child they were never told that they were loved. Some went to therapy to get a grip on what happened to them and others have no clue, some had very limited family members and some lived all alone, that’s how some children had to cope with a tragedy that can have a disastrous outcome. Some things to ask yourself to determine whether you have toxic parents or not before we think about how to deal with toxic parents :
- Are they always comparing you or criticizing you
- Do they emotionally manipulate you?
- Are they controlling your life?
- Do they guilt trip, manipulate or make unreasonable demands.
- Are you always blamed for everything?
- Are they always crossing physical and emotional boundaries?
- Do they make you feel insignificant whenever you discuss your feeling with them?
- Are they emotionally or physically abusive?
how to deal with toxic parents?
Tired of trying to ignore them, you have to learn how to face and deal with manipulative parents. Understand that your family plays a big role in making you who you are today. Now at this age, you can realize right from wrong and you also know you can only control your behavior and actions, not your parents. Your parents can’t be intolerant towards someone just because their views don’t match with yours. So how to deal with toxic parents?
Don’t try to change them
The belief that you can change the toxic behavior of your parents is harmful. You should know that you don’t need to fix them nor be manipulated into thinking that you’re the fix for every little thing in your parent’s lives.
Setting boundaries with toxic parents.
It is of utmost importance to clearly define what you will accept and what kind of behavior you won’t accept from them. Be firm in your resolve. Don’t indulge or enable any sort of abusive behavior be it physical or mental. It’s ok to limit contact with a toxic father or mom who is toxic for your mental wellbeing.
Be kind to yourself.
When dealing with emotionally manipulative parents you need to learn to think about what is best for you. Don’t take every criticism, sarcastic comment, or negative opinion to your heart. If it is tough doing this then it is ok breaking up with toxic parents.
Minimize your time dealing with toxic parents
Limit how much you are around your parents, whether it’s the phone or physical presence. Spending time away from toxic parents does help relieve some of your frustrations. In a way, it also recharges you to deal with them when you have to deal with them. Savor the hours spent away from toxicity, enjoy your peace.
Be confident
It is very important that when dealing with an abusive and toxic parent you stand your ground, without getting manipulated by all the shouting and screaming. Be confident in saying “No” to their every unreasonable demand.
It’s okay to make errors
Learn from mistakes instead of feeling that you’re a complete loser. Making mistakes doesn’t mean you’re unworthy. It means you are trying to grow and if in the process you make some mistakes then it’s ok. Don’t listen to your mother telling you every time she tells “how you are a loser” when your mother is toxic. Celebrate being you.
Get support
It is very essential to have a strong support system in the form of friends and siblings. Talking to someone about your problems takes courage but it also helps in relieving some of the burdens you are carrying within you. Don’t hesitate to get a therapist if you feel the need for therapy.
Conclusion about how to deal with toxic parents
Some parents are toxic. You wish the hurt they inflict to go away; no matter how painful it is you want to escape it. For such parents, children need to set clear boundaries as dealing with them becomes difficult, what with them being parents. You have every right to protect yourself from such people who cause you stress, anxiety, and PTSD even if it means leaving them and saying goodbye to them.
Dr Amit Sharma is a Doctor and writer with a particular interest in mental health. He helps individuals by combining practical advice with emotional support.